Live From New York!
by Tim Chs
Summary: Hermione receives a video from a cousin. Rated PG-13 for a pair of sexual references.


Live From New York   
  
Chapter One  
  
West London  
  
Present Day  
  
Ron and Hermione returned to their flat in London. With the last of the dark wizards all but rounded up, life as an Auror was getting a bit routine. Still, they found that she really did teaching the young auror candidates that were filtering in after Hogwarts had finished another year.  
  
Hermione checked the mail, and it seemed to be the usual things, Witches Weekly, The Economist, Quidditch Quarterly for Ron, and....a package?   
  
"What's that" Ron asked.  
  
"It's...oh, it's from my cousin Denise in America. She lives in Baltimore. Feels like a VCR tape."  
  
"Hmmmm. So, shall we clean up. Harry and Ginny'll be along in a bit won't they?"  
  
They showered and cleaned up. Hermione set up the table for their brother and sister-in-law. They were soon greeted by the sound of Ginny's Porsche rumbling to a stop. Ron opened the door, embracing them both in greeting.  
  
"They keeping you busy at Hogwarts, Harry?" Ron asked.  
  
"Oh, just the usual summer vacation lesson planning. Minerva's been on my back as usual. She's worried that I'm a bit light on Gryffindor."  
  
Ron laughed. "That's the McGonagall we all know and love!"  
  
Harry noticed the package. " What's this? Buying books from the States, Hermione? In Baltimore?" She giggled  
  
"I doubt it Harry Potter. This is from my cousin. Let's see...."  
  
She opened the package . Out fell a VHS tape, with a short note.  
  
Dear Hermione,  
  
Apparently, what you've been up to over the past 13 years has been leaking out to the rest of the Muggles. I saw this video last week on one of our more popular shows. It's a comedy, as I'm sure you'll see. Don't worry, I've already had the format converted.  
  
When are you going to come see us??!!!  
  
Love,  
  
Denise   
  
She looked over her husband and guests. "Shall we have a go at it?", she asked.  
  
They all agreed enthusiastically. She put the tape in the VCR and pushed PLAY.  
  
**_The camera panned over the highlands of Scotland. The title appeared over the screen as the castle and spires came into view. The title flashed "Hogwarts Academy"  
_**  
Ron: I don't recall them ever calling it an 'academy'"  
  
Harry: No, but it's a pretty good likeness of Hogwarts I'd say.  
  
**_Scene: Gryffindor Common Room_**  
  
**[Ron enters]  
  
Ron: Harry! Harry! Harry Potter! Welcome back! Did you have a good summer?  
  
Harry: No! Voldemort's returned and he's trying to kill me! Again!  
**  
Harry(The REAL one): That is not my voice. Never was my voice. Doesn't come close to my voice.  
  
Ron (The REAL one): I THINK you're being played by a girl, mate.  
  
Ginny (The REAL one): Scarves in September?  
  
**Ron: I heard. We need Hermione, is she here yet?**  
  
Hermione (The REAL one): Awwwwww.....They NEED me!!! What year is it supposed to be?  
  
**[Hermione enters]   
**  
Hermione (The REAL one): Oh dear God!  
  
Harry (The REAL one): It looks about fifth year then. (Everyone glares at Harry, especially Ginny)  
  
Harry (The REAL one): Whaaaat??  
  
**Hermione: I got here hours ago! I've been in the library researching cloaking spells.  
**  
Hermione: (The REAL one): Was my voice ever so deep?? Or accent so bad?  
  
Ron (The REAL one): No, but they have your study habits down pat.  
  
**[Ron, gawking at Hermione's enlargened breasts, laughs nervously.]**  
  
Hermione (The REAL one):They have your priorities down pat as well  
  
**Ron: Hermione, oh, ah, mmmmmm...  
  
Harry: Hello, Hermione! Uhh, welcome back! How...was...your summer?  
  
Hermione: Boring. Nothing happened.  
  
Harry: Really? It seems like a lot happened.  
  
Hermione: I don't know what you're talking about.  
  
Ron: I can think of a couple things that happened, but it's just that, um, you see, it's only been a few months since we last saw you, yet, uh, wow.  
  
[Harry pushes Ron]  
**  
Harry (The REAL one):No, no...we were gentlemen from the very beginning when it came to the fairer sex.  
  
Ron (The REAL one): Absolutely, scared to death of them like any red-blooded British teenager  
  
**Harry: Ron just means that, uh, you look very nice, Hermione.  
**  
Ron (The REAL one): Nice choice of words.  
  
Harry (The REAL one): Yeah, it was wasn't it? Thanks   
  
**Hermione: Thank you, Harry. But we have to perform this cloaking spell to protect you from Voldemort. Protectium Invisibum! C'mon, what are you waiting for?  
**  
Hermione (The REAL one): Amazing what they can figure out with a Latin translator  
  
**[Harry and Ron stutter and then participate in the incantation]  
  
All Three: Protectium Invisibus!  
**  
Hermione (The REAL one): Invisibus? Invisibum?  
  
**Hermione: Are you concentrating on the spell?  
  
[Harry and Ron say yes while shaking their heads and continuing to stare at Hermione's breasts]  
  
Hermione: It doesn't seem to be working!  
**  
Hermione (The REAL one): Do tell me I was never that thick.  
  
**[Fred and George enter]  
  
George: Hey! Nimrod 2000s! Did you hear the news?  
**  
Harry (The REAL one): Nimrod? NIMROD??? NIMBUS!! It's a raincloud!! Nitwits!!  
  
**Fred: Yeah, Malfoy bought out all the Firebolts for all the Slytherins!**  
  
Ron (The REAL one): They got that right at least  
  
Harry (The REAL one): Must have been after fourth year  
  
**[Fred and George then notice Hermione, and gawk at her breasts]  
  
Fred: Hermi-, Hermi-, hello, Hermione.  
  
Hermione: Hello Fred, George.  
  
Fred and George: Hello, Hermi-i-i-i-i-one.  
  
Fred: How are you doing?  
  
George (to Hermione): Let's hang out for a minute. Incendio!  
  
[Fire starts in fireplace]  
**  
Ron (The REAL one): You never did go for my brothers did you?  
  
Hermione (The REAL one): Two nutters. You were too sweet to pass up. Aren't you lucky  
  
**Fred: Eh, Couchio!  
  
[Couch appears behind them]  
  
George: Stereo!  
  
[Music begins to play in background]  
  
Harry: Gah! We're very busy right now! If you haven't heard, Voldemort has returned and is trying to recruit the Dementors to take over Hogwarts!  
**  
Harry (The REAL one): So are we now back to third year??  
  
**Fred: Hey, Potter, cool it with the nerd stuff.  
  
George (to Harry): Shut up.  
  
George (to Hermione): Hey, listen, we got a place off campus and a mini-fridge filled with Butterbeer.  
  
Hermoine: I'm sorry boys, we can't waste time. We'll celebrate after we get through with Voldemort.  
  
[Hermione gets up from the couch]  
  
George: What a tease.  
  
[Fred and George sigh, and then get up from the couch]  
  
George: Well, if you'll excuse us, we're off to go beat a couple of Bludgers.  
  
Harry: Oh, going to play some Quidditch?  
  
Fred and George: No...  
**  
(The REAL ones): They found that very amusing  
  
**[Fred and George exit]**  
  
**Hermione: Alright, the cloaking spell didn't work. Let's try a reverse enchantment. Abrentien Madisen! Abrentien Madisen! Abrentien Madisen!  
**  
Hermione and Harry (The REAL ones): The Charley Horse curse???  
  
**[Harry and Ron focus on Hermione's breasts]  
  
Hermione: The magic isn't happening!  
  
Ron: I'm going to disagree with you.  
  
Hermione: But it's not working!  
  
Ron: Oh, it's working so much! Please don't stop!  
  
[Professor Snape enters]  
  
Professor Snape: What are you children doing out of bed!?!?!**

**[Hermione, surprised, turns towards him]  
**  
**Hermione: Professor Snape!  
  
[Snape notices Hermione's breasts, and looks away]  
  
Professor Snape: HEY-OOOO!!...Ohh-kayy, uh, let's break it up here, let's move it along. Hermione, is that you?  
  
Hermione: Yes, Professor Snape.  
  
Professor Snape: Please, call me Severus. No, no, please, call me Professor! Professor Snape! Ok, that's fifty points each from Gryffindor! Now go to bed!  
**  
The four of them found this so amusing that......  
  
Hermione (The REAL one): Ohhhhh GOD OH GOD!!!!! " Call me Severus!!!"  
  
Harry (The REAL one): Ohhhh mannnnn. You have to make a copy of this for me to show Professor Snape. Excuse me..."Severus"  
  
Ginny (The REAL one): That is so Snape...Sooooo Snape!!! Has he EVER called you "Hermione"  
  
Hermione (The REAL one): Just once at graduation. Other than that, no way.  
  
**[Snape exits]  
  
Hermione: Alright, we have to hurry. This is our last chance!  
  
[The trio sits down, Hermione opens a book and pulls out a magnifying glass]  
  
Hermione: Madame Helena's Book of Incantations. The print is so small!  
  
[Hermione holds the magnifying glass in a position that magnifies her breasts]  
  
Hermione: Ah, that's better.  
  
Ron: I'll say!  
  
Hermione (reading from the book): It says here, "Sun to moon, moon to sun. The twilight at will, come undone." What does that mean?  
**  
**Harry: I don't know, but it's making me nervous and sweaty.  
**  
Hermione (The REAL one): I don't know either, but its no wander they can't do magic  
  
**[Hagrid enters]  
  
Hermione: Hagrid!  
  
Hagrid: Hellow, kids.  
  
Hagrid (to Hermione): Hi. Hello, who are you?  
  
Hermione: Hagrid, it's Hermione!  
  
Hagrid: Yikes! What happened? Take it out on my vein, take it out! (Holds fingers up to head and makes high-pitched noises) Okay, alright, I better go out to the woods and tame my dragon.  
  
Harry: Ah, you got a new pet?  
  
Hagrid: Nooowpe!  
  
[Hagrid exits]  
**  
Hermione (The REAL one): Were men ever such raving perverts with you, Gin?  
  
Ginny (The REAL one): Doubt it. And you were never this dense. I don't think Lavender was ever this dense.  
  
**Hermione: I give up, this is ridiculous. We didn't get anything done, and Voldemort's on the loose! I'm going upstairs to have a bath.  
  
[Hermione exits]  
  
Harry (The REAL one): Uh oh.....  
  
Ron: Harry, that Invisibility Cloak, do you still have access to that?  
  
[Harry and Ron jump around excitedly while making high-pitched noises]  
**  
Harry and Ron (The REAL ones): WE NEVER DID THAT WE NEVER DID THAT!!!!  
  
[Scene changes to several multicoloured cars driving on a track]  
  
Ginny: What? They taped over NASCAR for this??


End file.
